I am not afraid of things anymore. Things that used to spark the anxious what-if’s don’t even touch me now. I could jump from a plane, stand in a crowd of hundreds of people, climb a mountain, be all by myself, swim in the ocean, fall in love; face any of those things you guys used to tease me about being afraid of. I guess once you have felt the rush of adrenaline that comes from the realization that the worst possible thing has actually happened and can’t be undone – well nothing else really seems that intimidating. You would be proud of me – you weren’t afraid of anything, ever, and now – neither am I.
I don’t hesitate to stand up for myself anymore. I want what makes me feel good and happy and loved, and I can’t wait anymore to get rid of the stuff that doesn’t – and I won’t get rid of the stuff that does just to make anyone else ‘ok’.
Days of the week and month sneak up on me, and its hard not to feel like time is out to get me. Yesterday was the 19th – four months since the call that you were gone and not coming back. All day long on the 17th and 18th, I felt followed around by an urge to hurry; hurry to get to you, hurry to fix this, hurry to change something, hurry to not let the 19th happen. And then it did, again, and I felt overwhelmed, again, that I can’t change the outcome this month, either. Thursdays happen, Fridays happen. We rush around to go and have fun over the weekend, and then I’m seized with wondering why I didn’t try to call you that one Thursday night. Could I have changed this if I had just tried to find you that Friday morning?
I can’t lie now. “How are you?” prompts me to say “I’m a mess” more often than “fine” unless I really feel fine. And I do feel fine sometimes. There are times when I’m comforted and held together by the idea that you are exactly where you wanted to be now. That you are safe and free and.. fine.
We’ve all come together, but we’re all kind of.. broken. The whole ‘family’ of us – we all have become closer and are holding on to each other tighter than we ever have before – but its like there’s this invisible barrier now. None of us want to be the reason that another one of us falls apart again. At your service, your mom kept saying “Just don’t hug me deep. Only on the surface.” That’s what everything feels like now. It’s easier for me to fall apart in front of strangers than in front of one of my own people, because it just hurts too deep.
I think about you every single day. Sometimes it is filled with grief, and sometimes it is with laughter, but every single day you are on my mind. More than anything, I wish that I could have had just a few more days or hours or minutes before this happened. And every time, it is for different reasons – sometimes so I could talk you out of this, sometimes so I could just tell you how much I love you, sometimes just to hear you laugh again – but it’s always the same wish; more time – more time – more time.