This Blessed Mess » medicated http://www.thisblessedmess.com Your semi-daily dose of certain-absurdities. Tue, 13 Dec 2011 21:45:09 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 My seven years & his three days http://www.thisblessedmess.com/2007/09/my-seven-years-his-three-days/ http://www.thisblessedmess.com/2007/09/my-seven-years-his-three-days/#comments Sat, 15 Sep 2007 21:20:02 +0000 Mrs. Messiness http://www.thisblessedmess.com/?p=12 It’s been 7 years. Yesterday I sat in a doctors office listening to him be so honest, so naked and vulnerable and so real. I was so relieved to watch him peel layers away and admit to the doc that he had relapsed and that he needs help. That he knows what he needs to do . . . → Read More: My seven years & his three days]]> It’s been 7 years.

Yesterday I sat in a doctors office listening to him be so honest, so naked and vulnerable and so real. I was so relieved to watch him peel layers away and admit to the doc that he had relapsed and that he needs help. That he knows what he needs to do and how badly he wants to do it. I sat there staring at his feet hanging off the end of the exam table – half of me wondering how many more times I would see him teetering on a paper blanket, and half of me wondering how many times I already have.

Out of nowhere, the doc says “effexor” and I slam back into myself. They are nodding, “similar to the zoloft” yes “familiar with the effects” yes “tapper up in dosage”, uh-huh. I stopped hearing them then, because my heart was beating so hard in my ears that I thought for a minute they might hear it.

Seven years since effexor, celexa, zoloft, and all the x and z meds. Seven years since lists of disorders and symptoms and syndromes. Seven years since I relied on cocktails of chemicals to find ‘normal’.

I had no idea it had been so long – so many things have changed and so many have stayed the same. So many things reoccurred and so many things have been forgotten.

I am proud and guilty all at the same time. I got better. I lived. I ran away. How many days has it been? How many weeks? Why did it never occur to me to count days like so many people in recovery? I wonder why I didn’t realize that the whole process was ‘recovery’.. does this mean I am recovered? Does it mean that the next relapse could be mine?

Doc said he will be okay on it. I was not; it made the earth shake. Doc says he will ‘keep up’ with it and monitor it; mine didn’t and they earth kept shaking for me for far too long.

But it’s been seven years, so maybe it worked.

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